It’s lunar new years day (or was it eve) today in Taiwan. That said nothing’s really changed so far. I still went to the hospital this morning at 11:00AM with grandpa and aunt Eunice as usual then went home for lunch. This past year (or was it two) I haven’t really bothered with any holidays be it Christmas, new years, Halloween, or valentines so I doubt this lunar new years celebration in Taiwan will be very memorable for me.
Grandma almost died in the hospital today. I just got back home with my grandpa and aunt Eunice and her husband. I’m scared. I’m not scared of my grandma passing away but of myself. I’m scared of the fact that I’m not sad at all. I mean yes I am worried about my grandpa’s wellbeing in regards to my grandma’s condition but when it comes to me myself… if you were to ask me how I felt about my grandma dying the hospital this past week… the first thought that comes to mind is… that I don’t really care (or I don’t care much as I feel like I should). I would rather my grandma passed away peacefully already so my grandpa, my aunt, and everyone can move on with his life. Maybe deep down I just really want everyone to get started on accepting the situation so we can get over it sooner. I hope I’m not a sociopath who can’t feel emotion. So much for not having a very memorable lunar new years eve.
The first thing grandpa said after we got home tonight was “where is grandma?” He forgot. Even though right before we went into the ICU earlier tonight he told everyone gallantly to “face reality.” Then when we went inside after barely 5 minutes he cried and said he wanted to leave even though my grandma at the time was dying right beside him. He didn’t want to face the reality, I could tell, so I refused to let him leave my grandma’s beside but my aunt said otherwise. This was her father so I let her make the call. But I mean what the fuck? How is this acceptable? My grandma’s own husband doesn’t even remember the fact that she was dying in the hospital a mere fucking hour ago. What the fuck am I suppose to tell my grandpa when he asks “where is grandma?” after she’s dead. God damn it. The one thing that I absolutely can not stand is situations that don’t make sense filled with people who do do anything to try to fix it.