01/22/2014 Wednesday

I feel like a terrible person. I did something terrible today at the hospital when I went to visit my bedridden grandma. I had asked my Alzheimer’s afflicted grandfather visiting with me “grandpa, who is this?” only to have him give the wrong answer. My grandma flinched as if she was in immense pain at the response but didn’t say a word because she can’t talk due to the respiratory support tubes going through her nose and mouth. I just wanted to help my grandfather remember better. I wanted to do something/anything. Maybe it was the part of me that just couldn’t stand my grandpa asking me every day every other minute “where is grandma?” or “when are we going to go see grandma?” who wanted to get him to remember and shut up already. Whatever the reason might have been… I made my grandma who is already in the intensive care unit due to inflamed lungs and heart problems feel the pain of being forgotten by her husband… and I fucking hate myself for it.

It’s been exactly one week since I returned to Taiwan to visit my grandma and take care of my grandpa. I only called my mother once and have yet to even notify any of my friends in Vancouver that I left. I’m not quite sure what I’m doing back here. I should be going to school full-time at Kwantlen right now… if not for my grandmother getting hospitalized and me fucking up my tuition fee deadline (resulting in all of the classes I wanted to take getting dropped). It’s only been a week and I’m already feeling worn out and becoming wary of what tomorrow has in store for me.

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